Arguing
CONDITIONS TREATED
ABOUT THERAPY
Arguments and how to deal with them
Arguing
Does it seem like you and your partner are constantly arguing?
“Doesn’t everyone argue? Would it be healthy, to never have an argument?”
Any two or more people who live together in close proximity will inevitably disagree from time to time, siblings, parents and children, best friends and lovers.
Disagreement Versus Argument
Yes everyone disagrees, yet that doesn’t need to lead to an argument. A disagreement has a connotation of a constructive process. An argument, however, tends to be, more often, a negative process without an adequate resolution which satisfies both parties.
Over time, this can lead to a build-up of resentment, and if sustained for long enough, result in serious and even irreparable damage to the relationship itself
People’s sense of “fair” play also often adds to the problems. Sadly the world is not “fair”, one only has to pick up a newspaper to see that all too clearly! “Fairness” also is subjective and open to manipulative interpretations.
Furthermore, a relationship is not like a business contract and the vagaries of it cannot be broken down to a set of entries in privately kept books.
The key is to remember it is not about proving who is right or wrong or making the other person feel bad, it’s about fixing what’s wrong.
Couples are often on the same side and want the same long term goal, they just have different preferences on how to get there.
First Aid
Make a conscious effort to avoid the use of the words “you” and “but” in your conversation.
“But” is like an eraser, it negates the positive in anything you said previously. Try using “and at the same time” instead.
“You” can be accusatory and usually results in defensiveness and as we all know many people think that attack is the best form of defence (which in most cases it is not). Using alternative language for “you” requires creativity and often some coaching and practice, feel free to contact us for help with this.
Often during a disagreement, some degree of negotiation is necessary.
Try these three, simple and very effective negotiation positions:-
- Half of what you want with half of what I want
- My way this time, your time next time
- This is really important to me, what would I need to do to make it worth your while to go along with me this time/on this?
What To Do When Things Escalate
To take the heat out of an angry encounter, find the part you can agree with, and start with that.
There is almost always something you can agree with, without accepting blame.
To take an extreme example, someone drives into the back of your car (mandatory therefore their fault) and when you get out of the car calls you an idiot. “Well, that’s true I can be an idiot at times, although in this instance you actually drove into the back of me.
A milder example would be “I am sorry we are arguing” (hopefully a true statement of fact and not saying it is your fault or indeed his/hers).
Even if your partner is being unreasonable, if you want to find a solution, remember your job is not to point out what they are doing wrong, but rather to focus on how you can help things get back on track. This has a tendency (when sustained) to make the other person want to reciprocate (although in some instance this can take a LONG time J)
If things become really heated, it can be useful to take a short break but always put a time limit on that, such as “I am going out to calm down for a while, I will be back in an hour” do not just walk out!
If arguments are causing problems in your relationship, contact us now for additional help and support.
SHARE US
JOIN US
Copyright © 1994 – 2018 T. Roberts, Dolphin Hypnotherapy Bournemouth and Poole, Dorset. All rights reserved. – Areas we cover include, but are not limited to, the following towns and villages throughout Dorset, Hampshire and Wiltshire – Bournemouth, Boscombe, Southbourne, Poole, Parkstone, Branksome, Sandbanks, Westbourne, Ferndown , Christchurch, Highcliffe, New Milton, Lyndhurst, Lymington, Swanage, Studland, Wareham, Blandford, Sturminster Newton, Shaftesbury, Dorchester, Weymouth, Bridport, Merley, Wimborne, Broadstone, Corfe Mullen, Fordingbridge, Verwood, Ringwood and Salisbury.
