Self-love defined

Most definitions and descriptions tend to be confined to talking about self-care (which is an important element (but only an element) or rather expression, of self-love) or being self-referenced rather than other referenced (which is measuring your own self worth and value by what others think of you and how they react to you - which is closely related to co-dependence, insecurity and people-pleasing).

Personally, one of my favourite definitions of self-love is that of Katherine Woodward Thomas who describes it as a combination of 3 elements:-

1. Self Clarity
2. Self-compassion
3. Self-care

Let's look at these a little deeper.

Self-clarity is perhaps the most involved of these criteria and is based on a number of factors.

Firstly as mentioned above, it is about being self-referenced rather than other referenced, knowing your own self worth independently of other peoples opinions. It is linked to having the courage of your own convictions, (remember almost everyone thought Christopher Columbus was an idiot and that the world was flat) This does not mean being obstinate or stubborn and ignoring other peoples valid points, it is about balance, listening to others and considering their comments but above that trusting your own gut instincts.

Secondly, it is about being aware of our false limiting beliefs from childhood and life events, disputing them and outweighing them with the deeper truths of who we are. It is of course also important to be open to feedback from others so that we can learn and grow but not to take people's comments and insults to heart, to learn where appropriate, but not take it personally.

For example, if you felt rejected or unwanted in childhood you may well struggle if in adult life someone seems to reject you (by the way, you NEVER get rejected, you only ever discover whether someone has good taste or not!).

So let’s say you try to initiate a conversation with a stranger you find attractive and they are rude to you. Instead of withdrawing into yourself and telling yourself, that it was because there is something wrong with you, understand that the other person either has poor taste or was not in a good place emotionally at that moment. Then focus on the deeper truths of who you are, think of:

3 things you like about yourself
3 things you love about life even if just the sound of a distant train whistle or watching squirrels playing in the tree.
And 3 things you are grateful for in your life.

Self-compassion, means developing unconditional positive regard for your own humanity, being, value and potential. Treat yourself like you would your best friend, with words of comfort, and consideration. It is useful to learn and grow from our mistakes but berating yourself is not useful it is damaging! Think, what would you say to your best friend in the same situation?

Self-care is an expression of self-love and means we make sure we are well enough to have something left to give to others, a surplus if you like. Take care of your own body, mind and spirit with healthy food, regular exercise and yes the odd pampering 🙂

In part 2 we will look further at self-care, discuss another simpler description of what self-love really is and begin learning how to put it into practice.

In the meantime, if you want to learn more or have issues around this area you can book an initial assessment consultation here just be sure to enter coupon code INITIALAC to take advantage of the 50% discount.