The reality is that as a human you are a combination of Mother Theresa and Adolf Hitler all rolled into one and so is EVERY other human on the planet. We all of us, every single one, have every possible character trait within us from birth. From the saintly to the abhorrent. That is what it means to be a human!

Most of us are fine with the traits we have towards the saintly end of the spectrum but we are not ok with any that fall towards the other end of the scale. Those dark thoughts and fantasies (that we all have by the way) get pushed away, denied and disavowed. This makes them the realm of our Shadow Self as the great Carl Jung described it. There in the unconscious, they become more powerful and operate without our conscious knowledge. Only by recognising, embracing and making them conscious do we, paradoxically, gain power and choice over them and more importantly as a consequence become “whole”.

Many people find it difficult if not all but impossible to do this and thereby end up like a crocodile that wants to be a dog. Being born a human and striving to be superhuman and saintly is the perfect way to be miserable indefinitely.

That is not to say we should give in to our darker impulses, merely that we need to be aware of them and acknowledge them.

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Not only does this give us influence and choice but gives us more compassion for others and ourselves! Hopefully, you will remember from part 1 the importance of self-compassion in developing self-love.

More about Self-Care

We also discussed previously the importance of self-care and its role in self love or perhaps more importantly as an expression of self-love.

Self-care does involve a little pampering, but it is not confined to just a regular massage or hairdo and nails.

It is about respecting the body temple, fitness, eating healthily not abusing substances (which in turn damage the body).

Self-Respect and Boundaries

It is also about self-respect which as a base minimum is not allowing yourself to be abused, or used, by anyone, no matter how much you love, care for or want them!

We are taught to put others first, but as with all things in this universe, we must find balance.

Considering others and their needs is an essential skill in any relationship but it is not about blind trust or always putting others needs ahead of your own, to the point where you allow people to abuse or use you. We must stick up for ourselves when necessary and sometime just say no!

To quote my very wise colleague Ken Page “In our quest for love we must mature past the dehumanizing belief that any time we’re not grateful, we’re being negative. Ignoring our innate sense of discrimination leads to debilitating self-doubt, not enlightenment. Often, the opposite of gratitude is not ingratitude—it’s discrimination. Countless times I’ve seen people keep trying to convince themselves to be more accepting, more patient, more disciplined—to be the bigger person—when their gut-level discomfort is dead-on accurate. I’ve watched so many loved ones and clients stay too long in unhealthy relationships, just because they thought they weren’t strong enough, grateful enough, or disciplined enough to fix things”

Self-questioning and reflecting is useful growth, self-doubt as a result of ignoring our own needs and innate sense of discrimination is not!

In the next and final part, we will look at whether loving yourself on its own, is as the gurus suggest, enough to find a great relationship and live happily. We will also look at what happens if the pendulum swings too far the other way and someone loves themselves too much.